Friday, March 8, 2013

Usshering In The Fiscal Apocalypse

Six thousand sixteen years after the Earth's creation, (4004 BC-2013 AD) underfunded palaeoclimatologists can avoid sequester shortfalls and Congressional ire by adopting:

                The Seitz System of Condensed Concordia,

compact & cost-effective geological column that accommodates the Differently Facted by condensing deep time into the Biblically Correct 6,000-year format authorized by the father of geochronology, the good and great Archbishop Ussher.


25 Oct. 4004 B.C.: Encounter with Nemesis knocks Lucifer out of Oort Cloud.
1 Nov. 4004 B.C.: Finding the Earth uncomfortablymolten, Adam and Eve cover their nakedness with asbestos waders.
3714 B.C.: The first biotechnologist, Cain, invents cyanobacteria.
3554 B.C.: Komatiitic lava inundates earliest crust; Noah's Ark incinerated.
3264 B.C.: Methuselah begins to notice passage of geological time.
3124 B.C.: Archaean stratiform sulfide deposits form, making Bronze Age possible.
2844 B.C.: Tired of reading graphic granite, Imhotep invents hieroglyphs.
2584 B.C.: Earliest sedimentation; discovery of slate leads to stone tablets.
2444 B.C.: Breathable atmosphere develops; first sermon preached.
2384 B.C.: Descendants of Tubal Cain inaugurate banded Iron Age. Sphinx starts to fossilize.
2024 B.C.: Nimrod the Hunter erects the Geosyncline of Babel.
1914 B.C.: Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.
1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites, insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are kosher; chowder invented.
1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.
1624 B.C.: Samson attempts perovskite synthesis; laboratory of the Philistines implodes.
1444 B.C.: War of the Chaldean Succession; Pangea broken up in accordance with the Treaty Of Uruk.
1334 B.C.: Shang Empire abandons efforts to invent compass when China drifts over South magnetic pole.
1264 B.C.: Moses invents hydrofracturing; opening of Red Sea rift drowns Egyptian Army.
1194 B.C.: Odysseus runs aground on Gondwandan Riviera; Circe founds Club Teth.
1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air.
1024 B.C.: Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus, David takes credit.
794 B.C.: Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon.
564 B.C.: Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth- Fire-Water phase diagram.
454 B.C.: Marble deposits form in Greece; Parthenon erected.
338 B.C.: Aristotle concludes that quartz is just another polymorph of ice, like
diamond or pearls; this is known as the Wisdom of the Ancients.
48 B.C.: All of Gaul is divided into three parts by the collision of Corsica with the European plate.
The Year Zero: Nothing much happened, there being none.

A.D. 31: Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.
A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarsier, suffers identity crisis on the road to
Damascus and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.
A.D. 344:  Hordes of Huns perish when Romans breach Gibraltar escarpment, flooding the Mediterranean Desert.
A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.
A.D. 974: Lief the Unlucky lost with all hands after amorous Kronosaurus spots his dragon ship.
A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by walking through northern France.
A.D. 1215 Magna Carta eaten by Velociraptor.
A.D. 1324: Gunpowder and plate armor introduced; dinosaurs hunted to extinction.
A.D. 1384: Dante Alighieri publishes 1st description of core-mantle boundary.
A.D. 1444: Flowering plants appear; War of the Roses commences.
A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.
A.D. 1492: Mesoamerica emerges, thwarting Columbus's discovery of Japan.
A.D. 1522: Asteroid impact shatters Aztec Empire. Hernan Cortes mops up.
A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by continuing absence of English Channel.
A.D. 1636: Earliest primates appear; Harvard founded.
A.D. 1664: An English primate becomes Primate of Ireland; Archbishop Ussher
successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.
A.D. 1688: Hapsburg Iceboat Armada invades England via London-Bruges
canal; Inquisition burns Isaac Newton at the stake on suspicion of alchemy.
A.D. 1754: Gibbons evolve and write master-pieces like The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.
A.D. 1776: Washington's Mastodon Cavalry routs Hessians at Battle of Hudson Canyon.
A.D. 1835:  After attack by a giant ratite in the Galapagos, Darwin, returns home a convinced Neptunist.
A.D. 1846: A milestone in ape evolution is passed: birth of a son to Bishop and Lady Wilburforce.
A.D. 1867: Cosmos superstar Alexander Von Humboldt wins the Napoleon lll Peace Prize by sabotaging the Baltimore Gun Club's lunar cannon.
A.D. 1894: As glaciation peaks, Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to Cairo bobsled run.
A.D. 1914: Younger Dryas sea-level rise unleashes U-boats into the Atlantic, Holy Roman Empire wins World War One.
A.D. 1948: Harry Truman proposes using ice to contain Stalin; Cold War begins, ending Younger Dryas

A.D. 1954: Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap; de Gaulle invades Russia.
A.D. 1957: Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.
A.D. 1961: Rachel Carson links DDT to Glyptodonts' decline.
A.D. 1969: Last sighting of saber-toothed tiger in Central Park; Elizabeth Taylor divorces Proconsul.
A.D. 1971: Andy Warhol paints Campbell Soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns.
A.D. 1983: Australopithecus wins the America's Cup.
A.D. 1988: Homo habilis  nominated as Pat Robertson's running mate.
A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals perish in siege of Kremlin.
A.D. 1991: Saddam Hussein discovers fire; Anthropocene tar sands form in Kuwait.
A.D. 1997: Citing black smoker emissions, the EPA bans continental drift. 
A.D. 2013  Leveraged buy out of North Pole by Club Med leads to cancelation of Christmas

N.B.: As all dates except the first are +/- 2.3 billion years,readers are cautioned not to use this chronology for purposes of exegesis or the calibration of carbon-14 dating.